Amniocentesis

The amniocentesis results came back on my birthday.

The day we had the test done, we were told that our baby had gone from having an 80% chance of survival to less than 5%.
“Could a miracle happen? Sure” , as our doctor put it.

She called me and told me no chromosomal issues popped up on the test.
I didn’t know if this was a good thing or a bad thing.

Throughout the wait period I spoke repeatedly with one of the strongest women I have ever known. Her baby has a condition known as Trisomy 13.
Before the results came in, our doctor thought our baby would have this syndrome. My friend had given me so much strength through this period…strength to know that we could handle whatever came our way.

The unknown was scary to me.

We went to Houston to get a second opinion….we were told I would most likely carry my baby to term and that “he” would die shortly after. He would have kidney failure and his lungs would not develop. His heart could be crushed. What a great way to find out we were having a boy.

You name it…we heard it.

When I found out I was pregnant, I immediately thought of baby showers and gender reveal parties….newborn pictures….the works.

Looking back on that moment makes me see how selfish human nature makes us…I wanted all of those experiences. I didn’t even think about me actually being responsible for another life  (if I’m being completely honest). I mean sure, I couldn’t wait to hold my baby in my arms, but I never really thought about what it would mean to be a mom.

First smile. First laugh. First word. First step.

These missed moments would soon be the only things I could think about. The thought of missing all these things with my little baby. I tried to tell myself that God needed my baby more than I did. But I felt like that was a total cop out.

I found myself afraid to pray. Afraid of drifting farther from God.
I found out what it was like to have to plan your child’s funeral and pick out the clothes they would wear.

But , during this time I also found out what it meant to be in the body of Christ.
I found out that all people have specific gifts given to them by God to share with others in their time of need.
I found out how strong my husband was, and how when I couldn’t find the strength to pray he would do it for me.
I found out that people are so good.
I found out that it is okay to question God and seek answers.
I found out that no matter what happens in life, God loves us.

I found out that what others go through and overcome help us know that we can in fact come back from life altering situations.

I wish I could say that I always had great faith that God would answer my prayers. Even the ones I was afraid to pray. But I didn’t. But what I know is that other people had the faith I wasn’t strong enough to have.