fear

When you have lost all hope you try to understand why. Knowing that my son would die was not easy. I would wake up each morning wondering if he had passed. If I didn't feel sick or have heartburn I would automatically think he was gone.

On my way to work I would call my mom and just cry. I wouldn't say anything..I would just cry.
On the weekends I would stay in bed and Donny would walk in to check on me and I would be curled up in ball sobbing uncontrollably. I wasn't strong enough for this.

Finally, I told God how incredibly mad I was.
"Why would you do this to us?"

I realized I was going to have to search for answers.


I began to really read my bible and talk with God and pray. Like I have said before, I was not praying for a miracle. I was praying that we would one day understand why people have to go through things like this.

I remember before any of this happened..when I would hear about other tragedies I would automatically start to try and figure out why.

Maybe they did something to deserve this.

I hate to even admit thinking things like that because now I know how ignorant I was. I think I tricked myself into believing that to make myself feel safe. Because in my mind I thought as long as you are good, that good things will happen to you.

Of course I knew better...but in my mind I would try to put the pieces together to try and make sense of it all.

Now I know that some things aren't meant to be understood because our simple minds really can't comprehend the bigger picture. I don't believe God causes bad things to happen to punish us...but he does use them to change us in some way.

Once I came to that realization I decided that I wouldn't let my son's memory be in vain. I had to change for the better. For him. I didn't want to be bitter.
A great friend came over to talk with me one day. She had been through a similar experience and told me she had to learn how to mother her babies in a non physical sense. That really touched me and changed the outlook I had. I was still going to be a mom and there was no way I could do my son the disservice of being depressed and bitter.

I couldn't fear anymore. There was nothing left to fear. There was nothing I could do but ride out the storm and just continue to talk with God and hope he would reciprocate.

Oddly enough ....I began to feel God speaking to me. (OKAY people...I know what you are thinking.  Don't roll your eyes because I hear they can get stuck that way.)
It wasn't like he was sitting next to me carrying on a conversation. Actually most of the time it happened when I wasn't even praying. I remember specifically asking God a question about a friend and why she was having to go through a certain situation. Like 3 days later I was on my way to a football game and it was like a light bulb went off in my head with the most profound thought! It was out of NO WHERE. I knew I did NOT come up with that thought on my own. It  connected to scripture and answered my question perfectly! It was a divine understanding that I had never experienced before.

I'm still waiting for some of my questions to be answered ...all in good time I'm sure.